It's the final countdown...

I was at the dog park this weekend and there is a girl there that I see every weekend who is about ten years younger than me and due to deliver her baby the same week I am.  She is having a girl and we have already discussed arranged marriage and all those important things.  So there you have it.  This chick (whose name I never remember even though I spend 2+ hours with her a week and have done so for a good 6 months or so) went in to labor yesterday.  She was at the dog park in the first stage of labor and she was tossing around words like "mucus plug" and "bloody show" and, call me crazy, but I still think that's gross.

In addition to grossing me out by questioning me about my own cervical adventures, she also brought homw to me the reality that this baby can come at any time.  That means that I should probably start orgnaizing my work area at the end of each day and making it abundantly clear what needs to be done for the following day and whatnot.  If I had gone in to labor this weekend and had been unable to come to work today, there would have been a giant mess with all sorts of half-filled-out paper work and reports for some poor soul to sift through and try to figure out what the bloody hell was going on.  So, I will try to be more organized at work this weekend.

Mr. Adventure's 5 year old daugher was with us this weekend.  She announced that she thinks her baby brother's name should be Briffin.  Yesterday she was playing that Eye Pet game for the PS3 and she named her pet Brucell.  Also, I have never seen a person take so long to eat a baby carrot.  I think next time she comes over, I am going to make cookies that have carrots in them.  I made gluten free, egg free, sugar free chocolate chip cookies this weekend that were AMAZING.  Sweetened with banana and coconut with chunks of dark chocolate.

38 weeks pregnant...  I still feel fine.  My boss noted that my face isn't puffy at all and another coworker expressed her jealousy that she got the "mask of pregnancy" and I didn't.  I think my biggest obstacle currently is getting comfortable enough to sleep.  And battling my video game addiction.  My ginger minion (aka my lab tech) loaned me Ni No Kuni for the PS3 and I cannot stop playing it.  Also, my pubic bone has been sore for months, in case you were wondering.  It kind of feels like I've been kicked in the clam by a giant wearing steel-toed boots.

If you check out my incredibly helpful and relavant chart from last week, you will see that, at 38 weeks, Hamburglar is the size of a pumpkin, rhubarb and a duffel bag.  So, I think you should make Rhubarb, ginger pumpkin muffins!  How many, you ask?  Why, a duffel bag full of them, of course.

I see the midwife today and go to the chiropractor again on Thursday.  I keep meaning to schedule a prenatal massage, but I don't really no where to go.  And I really don't want a bad massage.  I think that is worse than no massage.

Mr. Adventure still is not done with the floor.  So, if anyone is interested in betting on when McCloud will appear or if/when Mr. Adventure will finish the floor in the nursery... I'm down.

That is all.

Ultimate guide to faux infant cannibalism

I have done it!  I got on thebump.com, parents.com and 3dpregnancy.com and made a fancy chart in excel which lists the food (and other things, 3D pregnancy) that these sites compare the size of the baby to throughout pregnancy.  My favorite is 3dpregnancy.com at 40 weeks.  They claim the size of the baby is that of a baby.  So, there you go.

Now, for your enjoyment...

	Type of food/thing
Week	thebump.com	parents.com	3dpregnancy.com
4	poppy seed	-
5	apple seed	-	sesame seed
6	sweet pea	pomegranate seed	chocolate sprinkle
7	blueberry	blueberry	Tic Tac
8	raspberry	cranberry bean	diamond in Nicole Richie's engagement ring
9	green olive	cherry	martini olive
10	prune	kumquat	brazil nut
11	lime	brussels sprout	Starbucks sugar packet
12	plum	passion fruit	Vienna sausage
13	peach	lemon	Nutter Butter
14	lemon	nectarine	flip phone
15	orange	apple	Kit-Kat "finger"
16	avocado	avocado	mascara
17	onion	pear	baked potato
18	sweet potato	sweet potato	pickle
19	mango	mango	6" turkey sub
20	banana	artichoke	Red Bull
21	pomegranate	carrot	Bottle of root beer
22	papaya	papaya	package of Oreos
23	grapefruit	eggplant	Harry Potter book
24	cantaloupe	corn	Foot long Chicago dog
25	cauliflower	acorn squash	Recorder
26	lettuce	zucchini	burp cloth
27	rutabaga	cauliflower	a roast
28	eggplant	kabocha squash	a churro
29	acorn squash	butternut squash	loaf of bread
30	cucumber	cabbage	Britney Spears' Yorkshire terrier
31	pineapple	leeks	mini skirt
32	squash	napa cabbage	above the knee boots
33	durian	pineapple	collarbone length pearl necklace
34	butternut squash	cantaloupe	American Girl Doll/bag of sugar
35	coconut	honeydew	Price club sheet cake
36	honeydew	canary melon	breadbox
37	winter melon	Swiss chard	large mouth bass
38	pumpkin	rhubarb	duffel bag (I'm guessing a small one?)
39	watermelon	mini watermelon	large rabbit
40	jack fruit	watermelon	a baby

I know I kind of jumped ahead, going all the way to 40 weeks, but I didn't want to leave the chart incomplete.  Plus is will be a fun challenge to find a recipe next week that incorporates a pumpkin, rhubarb and a duffel bag into something edible!  If I can pull that off, I imagine I will be a contender for the next iron chef.

I went to the chiropractor yesterday.  It was awesome.  He adjusted my sciatic area and showed me some moves that I may be able to do to stretch some of those lower back muscles.  He also adjusted my neck.  I've been getting dizzy lately, and I think my neck may be the reason.  I've been good so far since he did it.  If you are in to chiropractors and can find a good one in your area that specializes in pre-natal stuff, I say go for it. 

The midwife told me I do not have Group B strep and told me I am free to go into labor whenever I'm ready.  I don't think I'm ready yet.  But I will be soon.  Or I should be soon.  Both of us should be.  Hamburglar is now head down.  When I was at the midwife, I asked her, "Is the baby face down?"  She said, "I don't know where his face is."  I clarified that I meant head down and she verified that he is.  The thing is, I've been wondering when the baby would flip and I've had that 2 Live Crew song stuck in my head, "Face down ass up..."  So yeah.  I'm going to be the raddest mom ever.

I had a terrible dream the other night that I could not find cigars to smoke post baby.  It was terrible.  But, now that I think about it, a cigar and a nice glass of bourbon post-baby sounds nice.  Black Maple Hill, maybe?  Or some brandy could be okay as well.

Two and a half more weeks.  Holla if you want to get in on the betting pool.  I had today and the 10th of September.

That is all.

 

Shoop, baby naming, winter melons and back fat

I typically listen to NPR in the mornings on my way to work.  When Marketplace comes on and they talk about the stocks, I get the same song stuck in my head every time.  It all happens when they talk about the S&P 500.  The first cassette I recall owning as a child was Paula Abdul.  I think I was about 8 years old.  I was growing up and growing out of my Disco Duck record my ex-stepdad had given me to go with my fancy new (old) record player.  So, later, I was a big Salt-n-Peppa fan and when they talk about the S&P, I get Shoop stuck in my head.  Particularly the lines, “S and the P wanna get with me, cool/ But I’m wicked, G, hit skins but never quickly/ I hit the skins for the hell of it, just for the yell I get/ Mmm mmm mmm, for the smell of it…” and so on.

Welcome deeper into my mind.  When I was 15, I had a therapist tell me she imagined vacationing inside my head would be a lot like Disneyland.  I think I may need to undergo therapy again to determine whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing.  I just always assumed it meant she found me as entertaining as I find me.

I’m finally done with baby showers.  I scored some good loot and some good advice.  I think my current favorite stories are the “Get this baby out of me!” stories.  One of my friends told me that, towards the end of her pregnancy with her now 10-year-old son, she tried a ton of stuff to induce labor.  She ate spicy food, she had lots of sex and she went 4x4-ing for about 2 hours up in the foothills.  Her son was born the next day.

I have also determined that the next baby shower I go to, I am going to buy the mom-to-be gift cards for take-out places near her house.  I don’t want to cook anymore or do anything other than lie in my nice, air-conditioned house and lament how hot it is outside.  I imagine I will want to cook even less post-baby.

Remember my new favorite pregnancy website?  Well, part of the reason I love it so much is for the Tips section.  Now that I’m 37 weeks along, the author thinks it is time to pick a name.  He writes, "Haven't thought of a baby name yet?  Start with some exciting pet names at least.  Take a look at some of the baby name tools.  This will open up for lists of almost thousands of exciting names.  Your baby can arrive any day now." 

Maybe we should name Hamburglar after our dog, Rupert?

Speaking of terrible naming advice, I came across this article on nameberry this morning.  More like the 20 worst names for your child ever.  I think the best advice I have come across for picking a baby name was a 2008 article from the Daily Beast.   They give the sound advice, "But as important as it may seem to avoid names that threaten to turn you into a hipster cliche, it's even more essential to stay away from those that might make your teenager try to kill you while you sleep."

Wise words to live by, people.

Depending on who you ask, 37 weeks means McCloud is now the size of either a winter melon or Swiss chard. I have no idea what a winter melon is, so I am going to quickly google it.

From Wikipedia:

The winter melon, also called white gourd, winter gourd, or ash gourd, is a vine grown for its very large fruit, eaten as a vegetable when mature.  It is the only member of the genus Benincasa. The fruit is fuzzy when young. The immature melon has thick white flesh that is sweet when eaten. By maturity, the fruit loses its hairs and develops a waxy coating, giving rise to the name wax gourd, and providing a long shelf life. The melon may grow as large as 80 cm in length. Although the fruit is referred to as a "melon," the fully grown crop is not sweet.

Losing fuzz? Waxy Coating? That sounds like the perfect food to compare an unborn baby to! I mean, it's like it is undergoing the same changes as the wee babe in utero. I read somewhere recently about how the baby is shedding his weird hair fuzz stuff and swallowing it and it totally grossed me out. Yeah, it's crazy and rad that my body can make a baby out of goo, but so many aspects of pregnancy are fucking disgusting and creepy.

Anyway, winter melon.  You know, it’s a full moon on Thursday, so you should make mooncakes.  But only if you can find a winter melon.  Or winter melon seeds.  Here is a recipe that I have never seen or tried before. 

If the winter melon takes the idea of infant cannibalism too far for you, then I recommend going with the Swiss chard recipe this week. 

Are you familiar with Heidi Swanson’s website, www.101cookbooks.com?  Her banana millet muffins have changed my life and made me a better person.  There is so much good food on that website… I’m getting hungry just thinking about it.  One of my favorite side dish recipes is the garlicky greens.  I use a ton of red pepper flakes and I typically make this recipe with spinach or kale, but I bet it would be super awesome with swiss chard as well.  So there you go.

The birth class I thought I had talked my way into was too full, so no birthing class for me.  I started reading the HypnoBirthing book by Marie Mongan and it’s awesome.  I don’t really know much about hypnobirthing, but from what I have read, it seems like the whole premise behind it is birthing without fear.  And that’s nice.  That’s what I’m all about, so we will see how it goes.

I think that’s about it.  I go see the midwife today for the results of my Group B strep test.  I haven’t been terribly uncomfortable, though I grow more so by the day.  The floor still isn’t done in the nursery.  And Mr. Adventure was lamenting yesterday that my pregnancy is nearly over and I have not peed myself.  He seemed kind of disappointed that we haven’t needed to go to the hospital due to false labor pains and that, other than it taking me a ridiculous amount of time to put my socks on in the morning, I haven’t really had many difficulties or needed much help.  I walked the dogs to the dog park this weekend, (just under a mile each way, so nothing record breaking) and my hips didn’t even hurt when I got home, like they typically do after longer walks.  

I have gained 22 pounds.  That’s awesome because I’m going to lose half my baby weight right there in the hospital.  I’m looking forward to losing weight because I think my back is getting pregnant.  I think this may be my punishment for telling a friend of mine that he has back fat when we were 20.  He was making fun of me for having a giant ass and I said, “At least I don’t have back fat.”  He started calling everyone he knew and asking them if he had back fat.  A couple years later he was living in Georgia and he sent me an email that said, “I got an ab roller so back fat be gone!  Next time you see me you will say, ‘Where did all your back fat go?!’”  It’s been almost 12 years and he still talks about his back fat.  I give really good complexes.  Baby better watch out!

That is all.

Hawaii, honeydew and honey... DO

I received a phone call on Saturday from by best friend from college.  She was calling to make sure I got everything I needed from my shower and to make sure I had a good time and all that other nice stuff, to which I responded, "Are you drunk?"  She was working on it.  And she's hilarious when drinking.  Mr. Adventure and I were driving around downtown, looking for a parking spot when she called.  From what I gather, she was calling partially because she missed me (I miss you, too!) and she sounded like she felt guilty for scheduling a trip that extends on either side of my due date.  It was very sweet.  Her birthday is in September and she and her husband are going to Hawaii for two weeks.  I told her not to worry about it and let her know that, if I could, I would go to Hawaii and let her stay here and have the baby for me.  Hell, if they'll let me fly, I will go to Hawaii and have the baby there.

My friends are truly the best, funniest and most delightful people in the world.

Also, I am turning a billion seconds old at the end of October, so this means she will come out for the party, right?

Now that I am 36 weeks pregnant, I am sleeping less.  Not out of a lack of desire to be well-rested, mind you, but more because I wake up approximately 3000 times per night to pee, then I can't get back to sleep.  Then Mr. Adventure puts the dogs in their room for the night because he worries that they are bugging me, but they are my back-up alarm clocks so, if they are in their room, that means they are not in my room to wake me up which means that, on days like today, when I plan on being at work by 6:15a, I don't get in until 7a, but I have to leave early for an appointment with my midwife, which means I am starting my week with a deficit on hours that I will have to make up before the week is out.  Le sigh.

Staying at work these days is hard.  Because I'm tired.  And there's nowhere good to nap.  And my work load is so light now that everyone else is getting trained on how to do it.  I'm hoping McCloud will come soon just so I don't have to go to work for a while.  Is that terrible?

The baby is the size of a honeydew this week.  It is hot.  You should put your honeydew in the refrigerator so it gets nice and cold, then cut it up and eat it. 

My body temperature has been perfect until about a week ago.  Now, all I do is sweat and I keep hoping someone will come and steal my kidney, just so they will pack me in a bathtub full of ice.  Because that sounds nice.  But I don't have a bathtub.

I have my group b strep test this afternoon.  The midwife told me to study hard and make sure I fail.  I guess about 30% of women have it and it means you have to be given antibiotics throughout labor to make sure your wee little babe doesn't get it or something.  And I guess group B strep is like the karma chameleon (it comes and goes) which is why they test for it towards the end of pregnancy rather than at the beginning.  Group B strep is okay for adults, but in newborns, it can cause sepsis or pneumonia or, in some cases, meningitis.  And that would be a terrible way to start life.  Untreated, the chance of a woman with group b  strep to pass the disease on to her baby is 1 in 200.  With the use of antibiotics during labor, the odds decrease to 1 in 4000.  And, according to the CDC, the antibiotics have to be taken during, not before, labor because the colonies grow back so quickly.  So, there you go.  Your internet lesson for the day.

Mr. Adventure still has not done anything with the floors in the baby room yet.  I would like to assemble his crib and maybe move his dresser in from the garage...  The stupid thing is I shouldn't just go and do it myself because we are to the chemical application stage and all the various cans of pretreatments and strippers and stains say that pregnant ladies should avoid inhaling them.  Which means that is will be even worse for a baby.  Which means the floors should have been done four fucking months ago.  Or even a week ago.  I don't care when.  They need to be done.  He is being furloughed at work, which means he has time.  I'll give it a week.  If the floors aren't done by then, I will just burn the house down and find a new place that has a room with floors that are okay to put furniture on.  Problem solved.

Also, I keep forgetting everything.  Like today.  I forgot to put on deodorant.  And it is hot.  And I stink.  At least I spend most of the day working alone.

Fruit, floors and jello shots!

For anyone that was betting against Mr. Adventure finishing the floor while I was out of town... you win.  He didn't like working with the stain or something.  I don't know.  Do we need to stain the floor?  Can we just put a clear coat over it?  At least now I know that when I want the rest of the floors in the house restored, I should just pay someone to do it.  Because then it won't take 3 years or however long it's been.  He didn't even hang the curtains back up.  He ate burgers and played video games all weekend.  I probably would have done the same thing if I were him, but still. 

At 35 weeks pregnant, the baby is either the size of a coconut or a honeydew.  It depends on who you ask.  If you are not pregnant, I recommend dumping some rum in your coconut and drinking it.  It will be delicious.  If you want to go the honeydew route, it's summer.  Cut that shit up and eat it.  You can even make a super awesome fruit salad.  You could make the Ultimate Pregnancy Fruit Salad, which would be a mixture of all the fruits the Internet has compared the size of the baby to throughout pregnancy.  But I don't feel like looking up what that is right now.  I will do it later.  After I take a nap...

Speaking of fruit...
I saw a thing in the HuffPo about durian wine.  As soon as it is available in my 'hood, I am totally buying the shit out of it.  Or at least one bottle of it.  If it is disgusting, I will just start giving it as a gift to friends.  You have been warned!

Speaking of friends...

Mine are disgusting.  And hilarious.  They made me a cake for my shower which was the most horrifying thing I have ever seen in my life.

At least I know they ran the baby head through the dishwasher first.  But nobody ate the cake because the friend who made it declared it inedible due to burnt-ness.

On the funnier side, they also made jello shots with babies in them.

Probably the best thing overheard at the shower was the 8 year old who, shortly after being shooed away from the jello shot table, said to another little girl, "Jello that isn't for kids?  What's the point in that?"  Oh, 8-year-old... you will find out in college.

That Olympia crowd knows how to throw a baby shower.

I learned that one of my Seattle friends who is a nurse spent her first year and a half working in Labor and Delivery before she became an OR nurse.  I asked her for hot tips to increase the smoothitude of labor and she said to walk as much as humanly possible during the first stage of labor.  And that it is better to have a birth idea rather than a birth plan and to stay open minded.  So, basically the same stuff I've heard and read, but reiterated by a professional!  It was nice to hear her tell me about her experience working, especially after having tea with friends who told me their birth story.  It freaked me out.  I've been trying to mentally block it since I heard it.  I've never regretted asking a question before.  But now I have.

The internet says my uterus is under my rib cage.  That's weird.  I'm pretty sure that's not where it goes, but whatever.  I also read that over the course of the next week, the baby will push my heart up and to the left a little more.  Freaky.  Stop playing tetris with my internal organs, baby!  They fit fine before.  Will they go back to where they were before?

According to my new favorite weird week-by-week pregnancy blog thing that I discovered last week, I should, "To feel better about the arrival of baby, ask your partner to kiss your bump and give a rub in the morning. This will make you feel that the baby is already a part of the family. Don’t get out of the bed upright. Roll onto your side first and then push yourself gently up into a sitting position."

First of all, when I get out of bed, I am lucky I don't face plant on the floor.  There is normally at least one dog right next to my side of the bed and it is hard not to step on him.  Or kick him in the head.  Because he likes to lift his head right when I am swinging my legs out.  Also, I get up at 4:45 in the morning.  I think Mr. Adventure would be upset if I shoved my giant belly in his face and demanded he kiss it before I go to work.  I would probably have my own mental health evaluated if I started doing that.

Also, heartburn.  And every time I think about my heartburn, I hear Bette Davis's voice from the film All About Eve saying, "Everybody has a heart... except for some people."

That is all.

 

I Hate Cliches.

But writing that kind of makes me want to make a movie called Clichéte.  I'm not sure what it would be about yet, but I will get back to you.

So, I hate clichés.  More accurately, I hate living out clichés.  And this need to pee all the time is getting out of control.  In the 8 hours that I was trying to sleep last night, I got up to pee four times.  I was really thirsty, but I didn’t drink any water because I was hoping that would curb the need for frequent restroom breaks, but no.  I’m considering packing a pillow into the bathroom and just sleeping on the toilet.

Not really.  I would probably fall off.  And bathrooms have lots of sharp corners.

At 34 weeks pregnant, I have no idea what food size the baby is any more.  I am getting conflicting information.  One website says the baby is the size of a cantaloupe, and maybe that’s the case.  If so, you should eat a cantaloupe.  In honor of faux-infant cannibalism.  Or something.

I discovered this website over the weekend, and it is probably the weirdest pregnancy week-by-week website I have come across yet.  So, here is a link, for your enjoyment. 

What else?  

I received a check for $110 in the mail yesterday.  That was exciting.  I’m glad I don’t have to argue with the birthing class instructor over my refund any more.  The actual class I am taking starts next week and is set to run for four weeks.  Will the baby stay in until I have completed birthing classes?!  Stay tuned to find out…

My super fancy dress fit me perfectly at the wedding.  I looked so smoking hot, I kind of wanted to take myself into the bathroom and have my way with me, but I refrained.  I didn’t get any pictures, though.  I wore the Erin Wiggle dress in black from pinupgirlclothing.com, with my favorite pair of black Fleuvog open-toe heels and my giant black sun hat with gold trim.  I looked fancy.  And the wedding was short.  I like that in a wedding.  The last wedding I went to was a traditional catholic wedding.  Catholic weddings are not known for their brevity.

I saw my midwife yesterday and asked her a ton of questions.  I finally got the results of my glucose screen back.  My result was 139.  The cut off is 140.  She said all that matters is that I passed and that the rest of my results looked good.  Next up is the Strep B test at 36 weeks.  She told me to study hard to make sure I pass.

I asked her again about alternatives to erythromycin, and she said there aren’t any.  I guess doctors used to put silver nitrate in babies eyes after they were born, which is way more harsh.

I asked her about tearing or needing an episiotomy.  In the past 27 years, she has had less than ten patients tear while birthing vaginally, so that’s exciting.  She also said she wants me to come to the hospital as soon as my water breaks, but I’ve read that labor can take a really long time to get going even after the “membranes rupture.”  So, as long as I test negative for Strep B, I figure I will hang out at home for a bit anyway.  Just to be an asshole, I guess.  Because I don’t want to be at the hospital forever.  I would rather give birth in the car on the way to the hospital than be stuck there in labor for 12 hours.

I also asked my midwife about complications related to having had a LEEP when I was 17.  She said that it is possible that the cervix won’t dilate enough and that she would have to manually break up the scar tissue.  I guess that is as painful as it sounds because she said most of her patients that need to have that done end up getting an epidural.  I had a hard enough time at the dentist when they numbed the roof of my mouth, I can’t imagine letting them numb my legs at the hospital, but I guess we will see how it all plays out within the next month and a half or so.

Since I want a natural birth and we are having Mr. Hamburglar McCloud in the hospital, I have been reading a lot and I found this super awesome book called Homebirth in the Hospital.  I just checked it out from my local library.  It’s full of women’s birth experiences in the hospital, compiled by an OB who is all about natural birth.  My favorite so far is the Brazilian woman who, every time she pushed, would say, “Baby Wants Out!”  And I prefer the stories in this book to the ones in Ina May’s Spiritual Midwifery.  I mean, birthing from within and all that is great, but it’s all a bit too New Age-y for me, and I used to go to Rainbow Gatherings as a young adult.  So, if something is too hippy for me, that’s saying something.  Though I am planning on burning nag champa and anointing my baby with patchouli just after he is born.  (Not really). 

I can’t wait to be at the beach on Friday!  I was trying to find someone to go on my trip back west with me for the long weekend, but I’m kind of glad no one can come.  I think it will be nice to take one last solo road trip before I become a mother.  I’m going to install the car seat before I leave, just in case McCloud decides to make an early appearance.  If he does decide to come early, hopefully he will at least wait until after my day at the beach. 

And I have heartburn.  Still.  Or again.  I don’t know.  And I found this disturbing image that pretty accurately sums up how I feel.

Mr. Adventure is supposed to finish the floor in the nursery while I am out of town this weekend.  I think he will.  He likes to do nice things around the house when I go out of town.  We’ve both been enjoying (and been slightly freaked out by) the amazing acrobatics of my moving belly.  It’s weird when people can see your stomach moving from across the room.  His kicks and punches are pretty strong, but he hasn’t punched me anywhere tender yet, so that’s nice.

I had a dream the other night that labor only lasted an hour and a half.  It was awesome.  Maybe that dream was premonitory?  My QC officer had a dream last night that I was wearing a deep sea diving mask (to ensure I had enough oxygen) while I performed a c-section on myself.  The doctors weren’t being helpful and she was very concerned and saw that my oxygen supply had been severed, so she reconnected it for me.  I told her I would be sure to pack an oxygen tank and a diving mask into my hospital bag, just in case.

And I think that’s all.  Beach and baby shower fun in Western Washington this weekend!  Yay!  Maybe I will even find my camera and take some pictures.

A Rant (as a pet owner and mother-to-be)

This has been bothering me for weeks and people I talk to on a regular basis are pretty familiar with this rant, but I'm not sure that you, the internet community, are aware of my feelings on this, so here we go.

I love craigslist.  I use it to buy and sell things, give things away and find free stuff.  My super fancy Hushamok Baby Hammock?  $200 on craigslist.  They are $500 new.  That's a good deal.  And I love the free stuff on craigslist.  Both of my dogs came from craigslist.  That's how we learned that Rupert, our German Shepherd mix, was about to be murdered.  He was 13 weeks old and 300 miles away, but we went and got him and I'm glad we did.

When we chose to adopt both of our dogs, we made a commitment.  They are part of our family.  So all the craigslist ads that I've been seeing the past few months for free dogs are starting to piss me off.  Not all the ads make me angry.  Some are sad.  Like, "My mom passed and we can't take her dog, looking for a good home" or whatever.  The ones that get me are the ones that say things like this:

"Stanley is a brindle colored Olde English Bull Dog. Not neutered. He is house trained and loves to ride in the car. Very friendly loves people, kids, and other dogs. We are moving and having a baby, and don't have the time for him. Rehoming fee will apply to ensure good home. Interested call or text..."

And

"I Got a 3 month old dog 3 months ago. So now he's about 6 months old. Then I found out that my wife and I are pregnant! I love this dog and he had the cutest face! But I just don't have the time to take care of him, the way I want and that he deserves. The new baby is going to take up time and space, so we need a good home from him. He is great around other Dogs and kids! And so young enough to be trained. We call him Jax!"

These are just two examples I pulled from our local craigslist.  But here's my take:

Fuck you, people who are getting rid of dogs because you're having a baby.  I'm having a baby and do you know what I've been doing?  I've been training my dogs.  They've grown up around young kids but haven't spent a lot of time with infants and Rupert likes to bark when babies cry, so I've been exposing him to infants so he can get used to it.  I walk them with the stroller so I can still socialize my baby to his sorroundings while exercising the dogs.  I am trying to make them as prepared as they can be before the baby comes.  I've become stricter about jumping.  I love that they are excited to see me when I get home from work, but I don't want them jumping on me when I have a baby, so I am training them hardcore not to do that.  Our younger dog is a Rottweiler mix.  He really likes to put his mouth on things.  He has been learning that human bodies are not one of those things, and the lessons have been getting stricter.

I think dogs and kids go together.  We want to move out of the country in a few years and were looking at Korea.  I found that Korea has a 6 month quarantine period and large dogs are looked at as food over there.  So, instead of thinking about how to get rid of my dogs, I started looking at other countries to move to.  We made a commitment to our dogs when we adopted them, much like I am making a commitment to this baby.  We are a family and, according to Lilo and Stitch, family means no one gets left behind.

I'm curious... what are these people going to do if they choose to have a second child?  Or a third?  Am I going to start seeing ads on craigslist that say something like, "Toddler: Free to Good Home... My wife and I love this little guy, but with a new baby on the way, we just don't have the time to care for him the way he deserves.  He's free to a good home, comes with a food bowl, clothes and a leash!"

Sometimes, I wish it were legal to light people on fire.  And not in an encouraging sense.