Tuesday, July 30, 2013

I Hate Cliches.

But writing that kind of makes me want to make a movie called Clichéte.  I'm not sure what it would be about yet, but I will get back to you.

So, I hate clichés.  More accurately, I hate living out clichés.  And this need to pee all the time is getting out of control.  In the 8 hours that I was trying to sleep last night, I got up to pee four times.  I was really thirsty, but I didn’t drink any water because I was hoping that would curb the need for frequent restroom breaks, but no.  I’m considering packing a pillow into the bathroom and just sleeping on the toilet.
Not really.  I would probably fall off.  And bathrooms have lots of sharp corners.
At 34 weeks pregnant, I have no idea what food size the baby is any more.  I am getting conflicting information.  One website says the baby is the size of a cantaloupe, and maybe that’s the case.  If so, you should eat a cantaloupe.  In honor of faux-infant cannibalism.  Or something.
I discovered this website over the weekend, and it is probably the weirdest pregnancy week-by-week website I have come across yet.  So, here is a link, for your enjoyment. 
What else?  
I received a check for $110 in the mail yesterday.  That was exciting.  I’m glad I don’t have to argue with the birthing class instructor over my refund any more.  The actual class I am taking starts next week and is set to run for four weeks.  Will the baby stay in until I have completed birthing classes?!  Stay tuned to find out…
My super fancy dress fit me perfectly at the wedding.  I looked so smoking hot, I kind of wanted to take myself into the bathroom and have my way with me, but I refrained.  I didn’t get any pictures, though.  I wore the Erin Wiggle dress in black from pinupgirlclothing.com, with my favorite pair of black Fleuvog open-toe heels and my giant black sun hat with gold trim.  I looked fancy.  And the wedding was short.  I like that in a wedding.  The last wedding I went to was a traditional catholic wedding.  Catholic weddings are not known for their brevity.
I saw my midwife yesterday and asked her a ton of questions.  I finally got the results of my glucose screen back.  My result was 139.  The cut off is 140.  She said all that matters is that I passed and that the rest of my results looked good.  Next up is the Strep B test at 36 weeks.  She told me to study hard to make sure I pass.
I asked her again about alternatives to erythromycin, and she said there aren’t any.  I guess doctors used to put silver nitrate in babies eyes after they were born, which is way more harsh.
I asked her about tearing or needing an episiotomy.  In the past 27 years, she has had less than ten patients tear while birthing vaginally, so that’s exciting.  She also said she wants me to come to the hospital as soon as my water breaks, but I’ve read that labor can take a really long time to get going even after the “membranes rupture.”  So, as long as I test negative for Strep B, I figure I will hang out at home for a bit anyway.  Just to be an asshole, I guess.  Because I don’t want to be at the hospital forever.  I would rather give birth in the car on the way to the hospital than be stuck there in labor for 12 hours.
I also asked my midwife about complications related to having had a LEEP when I was 17.  She said that it is possible that the cervix won’t dilate enough and that she would have to manually break up the scar tissue.  I guess that is as painful as it sounds because she said most of her patients that need to have that done end up getting an epidural.  I had a hard enough time at the dentist when they numbed the roof of my mouth, I can’t imagine letting them numb my legs at the hospital, but I guess we will see how it all plays out within the next month and a half or so.
Since I want a natural birth and we are having Mr. Hamburglar McCloud in the hospital, I have been reading a lot and I found this super awesome book called Homebirth in the Hospital.  I just checked it out from my local library.  It’s full of women’s birth experiences in the hospital, compiled by an OB who is all about natural birth.  My favorite so far is the Brazilian woman who, every time she pushed, would say, “Baby Wants Out!”  And I prefer the stories in this book to the ones in Ina May’s Spiritual Midwifery.  I mean, birthing from within and all that is great, but it’s all a bit too New Age-y for me, and I used to go to Rainbow Gatherings as a young adult.  So, if something is too hippy for me, that’s saying something.  Though I am planning on burning nag champa and anointing my baby with patchouli just after he is born.  (Not really). 
I can’t wait to be at the beach on Friday!  I was trying to find someone to go on my trip back west with me for the long weekend, but I’m kind of glad no one can come.  I think it will be nice to take one last solo road trip before I become a mother.  I’m going to install the car seat before I leave, just in case McCloud decides to make an early appearance.  If he does decide to come early, hopefully he will at least wait until after my day at the beach. 
And I have heartburn.  Still.  Or again.  I don’t know.  And I found this disturbing image that pretty accurately sums up how I feel.

Mr. Adventure is supposed to finish the floor in the nursery while I am out of town this weekend.  I think he will.  He likes to do nice things around the house when I go out of town.  We’ve both been enjoying (and been slightly freaked out by) the amazing acrobatics of my moving belly.  It’s weird when people can see your stomach moving from across the room.  His kicks and punches are pretty strong, but he hasn’t punched me anywhere tender yet, so that’s nice.
I had a dream the other night that labor only lasted an hour and a half.  It was awesome.  Maybe that dream was premonitory?  My QC officer had a dream last night that I was wearing a deep sea diving mask (to ensure I had enough oxygen) while I performed a c-section on myself.  The doctors weren’t being helpful and she was very concerned and saw that my oxygen supply had been severed, so she reconnected it for me.  I told her I would be sure to pack an oxygen tank and a diving mask into my hospital bag, just in case.
And I think that’s all.  Beach and baby shower fun in Western Washington this weekend!  Yay!  Maybe I will even find my camera and take some pictures.

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