Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez

Well, here we are.  I'm about ten weeks pregnant and, according to my fancy chart, Sean Connery is currently the size of a prune, a kumquat or a Brazil nut!

The pregnant chicken says Baby Joe Biden (because he's number two to the President, get it?!) is the size of an ewok figurine attacking a squirrel.  I could see it.  PC also talks about genetic testing options and blah blah blah.  We didn't do it last time and we won't do it this time.  My midwife had asked us what we would do with the information and our answer was nothing.  We would do nothing with the information, so why collect it?  It's not like we're weird data hoarders or something.

I see the midwife today.  Which is good.  I'm assuming she will do a scan and we will finally hear the heart beat of Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez (thank you, google, for helping me find out Sean Connery's character's name from the Highlander!).

I know I'm not the only lady in the world that has miscarried, but man, subsequent pregnancies after a miscarriage can make a lady crazy.  I totally get why people buy those doppler things so they can obsessively check for a heart beat all the time and stuff.  If I had more money, I would totally be a baby-monitoring, technology-gadgety-whatever-hellicopter-momming psycho.  But I have to go to work, so I ain't got time for that shit.

Anyway, so, I'm in that weird stage of the first trimester where I have to constantly remind myself, "There's no reason this won't be a normal healthy pregnancy" and I err on the side that I'm crazy when my thoughts run away with me.  Like, the near-daily game I play called, "Is that gas or a miscarriage?"

Or if I stand up or move to fast and I feel a sharp pain in my lady parts and I think, "Did I move too fast or is that a miscarriage?"

Or my nausea went away a couple of weeks.  "Did my nausea go away last time?  Or is this a miscarriage?"

Last week, I did a tour of the wastewater treatment plant, and my nausea came back full force.  But it's since left again.

But it's okay.  There's no reason this won't be a normal, healthy pregnancy.  (Unless there is a reason?  2:30 can't come soon enough today!)

That's the other thing, the doctor's office wants to start talking about payments and stuff already.  First off, I don't have any mother fucking money.  And secondly, I am not even out of the first trimester and I haven't heard the heart beat and I am totally paranoid about miscarriage and... there's no reason this won't be a normal, healthy, pregnancy.

So, that's where I'm at.  I also got new lenses put in my Kamuros the other day.  Now I have fancy glasses.  Well, three pair of fancy glasses.

I was just trying to find a previous post, and one of the labels I have from the summer before Chumby was born is, "Rape jokes at the dog park."  I'm awesome.

If you're hungry, eat some Brazil nuts.  They're really good for you.  And keep your fingers crossed for me and Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez.

Friday, January 9, 2015

Well, shit.

About a week before Christmas, Mr. Adventure and I were having the age-old debate: Vasectomy or IUD?

I'm pretty anti-IUD.  My mom had horror stories about her old copper one from back in the 1970's and, more recently, a friend of mine had hers migrate from where it was put in and she had to have it surgically removed from her stomach.  I'm sure that's a rare thing, but it freaks me out.

Christmas Eve, after baby bedtime, the Mister and I drank a lot of rum and became unable to complete putting together Hamburglar's Fire Engine Play Set (a feat that took Sober Me less than ten minutes to accomplish the following morning).  PSA: Heavy drinking causes a decrease in fine motor coordination.

Do any of you have the TimeHop app?  The one that tells you that on facebook five years ago you fell down the side of an active volcano/fell into a swamp/are never going to drink again?  Well, I had one pop up about a hockey game about two years ago, which was the same day I took a pregnancy test and discovered I was pregnant with Chumbercules.  (Do you see where this is going?)  I realized that Lady Time had not yet come to me and she was about a week overdue for her visit.

"Well, shit," I thought.

So, since living on a single family income makes frivolity a bit difficult, I couldn't spring for one of those fancy $19 pregnancy tests, so I went to the Dollar Tree.  Did you know they sell pregnancy tests for $1?  And it was positive.

"Well, shit," I thought.

Over the course of two weeks, we'd gone from, "Let's nip this potential for more baby things in the bud with a more permanent/reliable birth control solution," to, "Guess who's having a baby!"

"Maybe the dollar store pregnancy tests aren't terribly accurate," I suggested as I told Mr. Adventure the news.  And I scheduled an appointment with my midwife.

The girl that answered the phone when I called the midwife's office asked me how many tests I took.  "Um, one?" I replied.  Other than on TV, do women actually take multiple pregnancy tests?  It seems like a waste of money to me.

The midwife confirmed McCloud is going to have a sibling (who, after the Quickening, I believe I will call him (el bebe in utero) Sean Connery, because I don't remember Sean Connery's character's name from the Highlander film).

"Well, shit," I thought.

The midwife asked me how I was feeling.  It's weird.  We'd just finally for realz made the decision to only have one child, and now there's another coming along.  Which is great because I can die one day knowing that my son will not be left all alone (he has a half sister, but things can go either way with half siblings.  With full siblings, too, I guess.  It's probably best not to put all your eggs in one basket anyway.  Ha!)

I have an estimated due date of the end of August.  Which means I am going to be super pregnant all freaking summer.  Again.  Summer pregnancies suck.

I also feel like we are really finally hitting a groove again and we've established our new normal and having a 16 month old is awesome.  Having a newborn and a two-year-old seems like a huge pain in the ass.  But, I bet it will be awesome when they're two and four and can play together.

I guess I'm still getting a hold on how I'm feeling.  I know that I have a heightened sense of smell, but no nausea or acne or anything yet, so that's nice.  Hopefully this pregnancy is as smooth as the last one.  I think I need to stop drinking coffee.  I had borderline high blood pressure throughout my last pregnancy and I don't want that to happen again.  And I'm not buying a new car.  I'll just need car seats that are a bit more narrow so we can all fit into the Fit.

Here's a piece from McSweeney's called 30 and Pregnant.

Also, the Ugly Volvo has a new piece out.  It's about finding the time to read an article in a magazine with a toddler around.
"Look at me!  Sitting on a sofa reading a magazine!  Like a person!   This is like a thing a person would do!  I imagined myself doing other “person” things like going out for a drink with friends or seeing a show.  What an imagination I have!"
And I guess that's about it.

Also, according to the fancy chart I made back in August of 2013, Sean Connery is currently the size of a blueberry.  Or a Tic-Tac.  Either way, totally edible and could get lost in your handbag.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Happy new year!


I hope you all had a pleasant holiday season.

We've been doing a lot of learning around the House of Adventure.  We learned that the Little Miss is more into building blocks than she is Barbie, so I'm returning her birthday presents and getting some blocks.

And Hamburglar is learning and repeating everything.  He said fuck for the the first time last week.  That was nice.  He also says shoes, socks, hat (of course).  And he learned "turkey" back in November and he recently started saying "turtle," which he enunciates very clearly.  He likes to point out that he is a baby, he calls water "wa" and, most importantly, he has learned to say "Hodor." Which has provided a lot of entertainment for the Mister and I.  And I'm sure that any Game of Thrones fans out there also appreciate it.

Mr. Adventure also taught Chumbercules to kick a ball!  I picked up a mini soccer ball at Old Navy several months ago for $3, and it's the perfect size for little toddler feet to kick.

He really likes his rocking horse and his fire engine play set, and a friend gave him some Mega Blocks as a Christmas gift, and we all have fun playing with those.

We had grilled cheese and tomato soup for dinner last week and Chumby was using a spoon on his own and most of the soup made it into his mouth!  It was all very exciting.

I think the most exciting thing that has happened lately, though, is this.  Jaws-themed baby crib!  They're going to need a bigger boat.

Also, for any pregnant ladies out there, the Pregnant Chicken has this super killer giveaway happening right now.

And, this is a little late (though still hilarious): The Ugly Volvo put up a new post a couple weeks ago.  And now I kind of want to sit on Willie Nelson's lap.