Monday, August 26, 2013

It's the final countdown...

I was at the dog park this weekend and there is a girl there that I see every weekend who is about ten years younger than me and due to deliver her baby the same week I am.  She is having a girl and we have already discussed arranged marriage and all those important things.  So there you have it.  This chick (whose name I never remember even though I spend 2+ hours with her a week and have done so for a good 6 months or so) went in to labor yesterday.  She was at the dog park in the first stage of labor and she was tossing around words like "mucus plug" and "bloody show" and, call me crazy, but I still think that's gross.

In addition to grossing me out by questioning me about my own cervical adventures, she also brought homw to me the reality that this baby can come at any time.  That means that I should probably start orgnaizing my work area at the end of each day and making it abundantly clear what needs to be done for the following day and whatnot.  If I had gone in to labor this weekend and had been unable to come to work today, there would have been a giant mess with all sorts of half-filled-out paper work and reports for some poor soul to sift through and try to figure out what the bloody hell was going on.  So, I will try to be more organized at work this weekend.

Mr. Adventure's 5 year old daugher was with us this weekend.  She announced that she thinks her baby brother's name should be Briffin.  Yesterday she was playing that Eye Pet game for the PS3 and she named her pet Brucell.  Also, I have never seen a person take so long to eat a baby carrot.  I think next time she comes over, I am going to make cookies that have carrots in them.  I made gluten free, egg free, sugar free chocolate chip cookies this weekend that were AMAZING.  Sweetened with banana and coconut with chunks of dark chocolate.

38 weeks pregnant...  I still feel fine.  My boss noted that my face isn't puffy at all and another coworker expressed her jealousy that she got the "mask of pregnancy" and I didn't.  I think my biggest obstacle currently is getting comfortable enough to sleep.  And battling my video game addiction.  My ginger minion (aka my lab tech) loaned me Ni No Kuni for the PS3 and I cannot stop playing it.  Also, my pubic bone has been sore for months, in case you were wondering.  It kind of feels like I've been kicked in the clam by a giant wearing steel-toed boots.

If you check out my incredibly helpful and relavant chart from last week, you will see that, at 38 weeks, Hamburglar is the size of a pumpkin, rhubarb and a duffel bag.  So, I think you should make Rhubarb, ginger pumpkin muffins!  How many, you ask?  Why, a duffel bag full of them, of course.

I see the midwife today and go to the chiropractor again on Thursday.  I keep meaning to schedule a prenatal massage, but I don't really no where to go.  And I really don't want a bad massage.  I think that is worse than no massage.

Mr. Adventure still is not done with the floor.  So, if anyone is interested in betting on when McCloud will appear or if/when Mr. Adventure will finish the floor in the nursery... I'm down.

That is all.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Ultimate guide to faux infant cannibalism

I have done it!  I got on, and and made a fancy chart in excel which lists the food (and other things, 3D pregnancy) that these sites compare the size of the baby to throughout pregnancy.  My favorite is at 40 weeks.  They claim the size of the baby is that of a baby.  So, there you go.

Now, for your enjoyment...

Type of food/thing
4poppy seed-
5apple seed-sesame seed
6sweet peapomegranate seedchocolate sprinkle
7blueberryblueberryTic Tac
8 raspberrycranberry beandiamond in Nicole Richie's engagement ring
9green olivecherrymartini olive
10prunekumquatbrazil nut
11limebrussels sproutStarbucks sugar packet
12plumpassion fruitVienna sausage
13peachlemonNutter Butter
14lemonnectarineflip phone
15orange appleKit-Kat "finger"
17onionpearbaked potato
18sweet potatosweet potatopickle
19mangomango6" turkey sub
20bananaartichokeRed Bull
21pomegranatecarrotBottle of root beer
22papayapapayapackage of Oreos
23grapefruiteggplantHarry Potter book
24cantaloupecornFoot long Chicago dog
25caulifloweracorn squashRecorder
26lettucezucchiniburp cloth
27rutabagacauliflowera roast
28eggplantkabocha squasha churro
29acorn squashbutternut squashloaf of bread
30cucumbercabbageBritney Spears' Yorkshire terrier
31pineappleleeksmini skirt
32squashnapa cabbageabove the knee boots
33durianpineapplecollarbone length pearl necklace
34butternut squashcantaloupeAmerican Girl Doll/bag of sugar
35coconuthoneydewPrice club sheet cake
36honeydewcanary melonbreadbox
37winter melonSwiss chardlarge mouth bass
38pumpkinrhubarbduffel bag (I'm guessing a small one?)
39watermelonmini watermelonlarge rabbit
40jack fruitwatermelona baby

I know I kind of jumped ahead, going all the way to 40 weeks, but I didn't want to leave the chart incomplete.  Plus is will be a fun challenge to find a recipe next week that incorporates a pumpkin, rhubarb and a duffel bag into something edible!  If I can pull that off, I imagine I will be a contender for the next iron chef.

I went to the chiropractor yesterday.  It was awesome.  He adjusted my sciatic area and showed me some moves that I may be able to do to stretch some of those lower back muscles.  He also adjusted my neck.  I've been getting dizzy lately, and I think my neck may be the reason.  I've been good so far since he did it.  If you are in to chiropractors and can find a good one in your area that specializes in pre-natal stuff, I say go for it. 

The midwife told me I do not have Group B strep and told me I am free to go into labor whenever I'm ready.  I don't think I'm ready yet.  But I will be soon.  Or I should be soon.  Both of us should be.  Hamburglar is now head down.  When I was at the midwife, I asked her, "Is the baby face down?"  She said, "I don't know where his face is."  I clarified that I meant head down and she verified that he is.  The thing is, I've been wondering when the baby would flip and I've had that 2 Live Crew song stuck in my head, "Face down ass up..."  So yeah.  I'm going to be the raddest mom ever.

I had a terrible dream the other night that I could not find cigars to smoke post baby.  It was terrible.  But, now that I think about it, a cigar and a nice glass of bourbon post-baby sounds nice.  Black Maple Hill, maybe?  Or some brandy could be okay as well.

Two and a half more weeks.  Holla if you want to get in on the betting pool.  I had today and the 10th of September.

That is all.

Monday, August 19, 2013

Shoop, baby naming, winter melons and back fat

I typically listen to NPR in the mornings on my way to work.  When Marketplace comes on and they talk about the stocks, I get the same song stuck in my head every time.  It all happens when they talk about the S&P 500.  The first cassette I recall owning as a child was Paula Abdul.  I think I was about 8 years old.  I was growing up and growing out of my Disco Duck record my ex-stepdad had given me to go with my fancy new (old) record player.  So, later, I was a big Salt-n-Peppa fan and when they talk about the S&P, I get Shoop stuck in my head.  Particularly the lines, “S and the P wanna get with me, cool/ But I’m wicked, G, hit skins but never quickly/ I hit the skins for the hell of it, just for the yell I get/ Mmm mmm mmm, for the smell of it…” and so on.

Welcome deeper into my mind.  When I was 15, I had a therapist tell me she imagined vacationing inside my head would be a lot like Disneyland.  I think I may need to undergo therapy again to determine whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing.  I just always assumed it meant she found me as entertaining as I find me.
I’m finally done with baby showers.  I scored some good loot and some good advice.  I think my current favorite stories are the “Get this baby out of me!” stories.  One of my friends told me that, towards the end of her pregnancy with her now 10-year-old son, she tried a ton of stuff to induce labor.  She ate spicy food, she had lots of sex and she went 4x4-ing for about 2 hours up in the foothills.  Her son was born the next day.
I have also determined that the next baby shower I go to, I am going to buy the mom-to-be gift cards for take-out places near her house.  I don’t want to cook anymore or do anything other than lie in my nice, air-conditioned house and lament how hot it is outside.  I imagine I will want to cook even less post-baby.
Remember my new favorite pregnancy website?  Well, part of the reason I love it so much is for the Tips section.  Now that I’m 37 weeks along, the author thinks it is time to pick a name.  He writes, "Haven't thought of a baby name yet?  Start with some exciting pet names at least.  Take a look at some of the baby name tools.  This will open up for lists of almost thousands of exciting names.  Your baby can arrive any day now." 

Maybe we should name Hamburglar after our dog, Rupert?

Speaking of terrible naming advice, I came across this article on nameberry this morning.  More like the 20 worst names for your child ever.  I think the best advice I have come across for picking a baby name was a 2008 article from the Daily Beast.   They give the sound advice, "But as important as it may seem to avoid names that threaten to turn you into a hipster cliche, it's even more essential to stay away from those that might make your teenager try to kill you while you sleep."

Wise words to live by, people.

Depending on who you ask, 37 weeks means McCloud is now the size of either a winter melon or Swiss chard. I have no idea what a winter melon is, so I am going to quickly google it.
From Wikipedia:
The winter melon, also called white gourd, winter gourd, or ash gourd, is a vine grown for its very large fruit, eaten as a vegetable when mature.  It is the only member of the genus Benincasa. The fruit is fuzzy when young. The immature melon has thick white flesh that is sweet when eaten. By maturity, the fruit loses its hairs and develops a waxy coating, giving rise to the name wax gourd, and providing a long shelf life. The melon may grow as large as 80 cm in length. Although the fruit is referred to as a "melon," the fully grown crop is not sweet.
Losing fuzz? Waxy Coating? That sounds like the perfect food to compare an unborn baby to! I mean, it's like it is undergoing the same changes as the wee babe in utero. I read somewhere recently about how the baby is shedding his weird hair fuzz stuff and swallowing it and it totally grossed me out. Yeah, it's crazy and rad that my body can make a baby out of goo, but so many aspects of pregnancy are fucking disgusting and creepy.

Anyway, winter melon.  You know, it’s a full moon on Thursday, so you should make mooncakes.  But only if you can find a winter melon.  Or winter melon seeds.  Here is a recipe that I have never seen or tried before. 

If the winter melon takes the idea of infant cannibalism too far for you, then I recommend going with the Swiss chard recipe this week. 
Are you familiar with Heidi Swanson’s website,  Her banana millet muffins have changed my life and made me a better person.  There is so much good food on that website… I’m getting hungry just thinking about it.  One of my favorite side dish recipes is the garlicky greens I use a ton of red pepper flakes and I typically make this recipe with spinach or kale, but I bet it would be super awesome with swiss chard as well.  So there you go.
The birth class I thought I had talked my way into was too full, so no birthing class for me.  I started reading the HypnoBirthing book by Marie Mongan and it’s awesome.  I don’t really know much about hypnobirthing, but from what I have read, it seems like the whole premise behind it is birthing without fear.  And that’s nice.  That’s what I’m all about, so we will see how it goes.
I think that’s about it.  I go see the midwife today for the results of my Group B strep test.  I haven’t been terribly uncomfortable, though I grow more so by the day.  The floor still isn’t done in the nursery.  And Mr. Adventure was lamenting yesterday that my pregnancy is nearly over and I have not peed myself.  He seemed kind of disappointed that we haven’t needed to go to the hospital due to false labor pains and that, other than it taking me a ridiculous amount of time to put my socks on in the morning, I haven’t really had many difficulties or needed much help.  I walked the dogs to the dog park this weekend, (just under a mile each way, so nothing record breaking) and my hips didn’t even hurt when I got home, like they typically do after longer walks.  
I have gained 22 pounds.  That’s awesome because I’m going to lose half my baby weight right there in the hospital.  I’m looking forward to losing weight because I think my back is getting pregnant.  I think this may be my punishment for telling a friend of mine that he has back fat when we were 20.  He was making fun of me for having a giant ass and I said, “At least I don’t have back fat.”  He started calling everyone he knew and asking them if he had back fat.  A couple years later he was living in Georgia and he sent me an email that said, “I got an ab roller so back fat be gone!  Next time you see me you will say, ‘Where did all your back fat go?!’”  It’s been almost 12 years and he still talks about his back fat.  I give really good complexes.  Baby better watch out!
That is all.

Monday, August 12, 2013

Hawaii, honeydew and honey... DO

I received a phone call on Saturday from by best friend from college.  She was calling to make sure I got everything I needed from my shower and to make sure I had a good time and all that other nice stuff, to which I responded, "Are you drunk?"  She was working on it.  And she's hilarious when drinking.  Mr. Adventure and I were driving around downtown, looking for a parking spot when she called.  From what I gather, she was calling partially because she missed me (I miss you, too!) and she sounded like she felt guilty for scheduling a trip that extends on either side of my due date.  It was very sweet.  Her birthday is in September and she and her husband are going to Hawaii for two weeks.  I told her not to worry about it and let her know that, if I could, I would go to Hawaii and let her stay here and have the baby for me.  Hell, if they'll let me fly, I will go to Hawaii and have the baby there.

My friends are truly the best, funniest and most delightful people in the world.

Also, I am turning a billion seconds old at the end of October, so this means she will come out for the party, right?

Now that I am 36 weeks pregnant, I am sleeping less.  Not out of a lack of desire to be well-rested, mind you, but more because I wake up approximately 3000 times per night to pee, then I can't get back to sleep.  Then Mr. Adventure puts the dogs in their room for the night because he worries that they are bugging me, but they are my back-up alarm clocks so, if they are in their room, that means they are not in my room to wake me up which means that, on days like today, when I plan on being at work by 6:15a, I don't get in until 7a, but I have to leave early for an appointment with my midwife, which means I am starting my week with a deficit on hours that I will have to make up before the week is out.  Le sigh.

Staying at work these days is hard.  Because I'm tired.  And there's nowhere good to nap.  And my work load is so light now that everyone else is getting trained on how to do it.  I'm hoping McCloud will come soon just so I don't have to go to work for a while.  Is that terrible?

The baby is the size of a honeydew this week.  It is hot.  You should put your honeydew in the refrigerator so it gets nice and cold, then cut it up and eat it. 

My body temperature has been perfect until about a week ago.  Now, all I do is sweat and I keep hoping someone will come and steal my kidney, just so they will pack me in a bathtub full of ice.  Because that sounds nice.  But I don't have a bathtub.

I have my group b strep test this afternoon.  The midwife told me to study hard and make sure I fail.  I guess about 30% of women have it and it means you have to be given antibiotics throughout labor to make sure your wee little babe doesn't get it or something.  And I guess group B strep is like the karma chameleon (it comes and goes) which is why they test for it towards the end of pregnancy rather than at the beginning.  Group B strep is okay for adults, but in newborns, it can cause sepsis or pneumonia or, in some cases, meningitis.  And that would be a terrible way to start life.  Untreated, the chance of a woman with group b  strep to pass the disease on to her baby is 1 in 200.  With the use of antibiotics during labor, the odds decrease to 1 in 4000.  And, according to the CDC, the antibiotics have to be taken during, not before, labor because the colonies grow back so quickly.  So, there you go.  Your internet lesson for the day.

Mr. Adventure still has not done anything with the floors in the baby room yet.  I would like to assemble his crib and maybe move his dresser in from the garage...  The stupid thing is I shouldn't just go and do it myself because we are to the chemical application stage and all the various cans of pretreatments and strippers and stains say that pregnant ladies should avoid inhaling them.  Which means that is will be even worse for a baby.  Which means the floors should have been done four fucking months ago.  Or even a week ago.  I don't care when.  They need to be done.  He is being furloughed at work, which means he has time.  I'll give it a week.  If the floors aren't done by then, I will just burn the house down and find a new place that has a room with floors that are okay to put furniture on.  Problem solved.

Also, I keep forgetting everything.  Like today.  I forgot to put on deodorant.  And it is hot.  And I stink.  At least I spend most of the day working alone.

Monday, August 5, 2013

Fruit, floors and jello shots!

For anyone that was betting against Mr. Adventure finishing the floor while I was out of town... you win.  He didn't like working with the stain or something.  I don't know.  Do we need to stain the floor?  Can we just put a clear coat over it?  At least now I know that when I want the rest of the floors in the house restored, I should just pay someone to do it.  Because then it won't take 3 years or however long it's been.  He didn't even hang the curtains back up.  He ate burgers and played video games all weekend.  I probably would have done the same thing if I were him, but still. 

At 35 weeks pregnant, the baby is either the size of a coconut or a honeydew.  It depends on who you ask.  If you are not pregnant, I recommend dumping some rum in your coconut and drinking it.  It will be delicious.  If you want to go the honeydew route, it's summer.  Cut that shit up and eat it.  You can even make a super awesome fruit salad.  You could make the Ultimate Pregnancy Fruit Salad, which would be a mixture of all the fruits the Internet has compared the size of the baby to throughout pregnancy.  But I don't feel like looking up what that is right now.  I will do it later.  After I take a nap...

Speaking of fruit...
I saw a thing in the HuffPo about durian wine.  As soon as it is available in my 'hood, I am totally buying the shit out of it.  Or at least one bottle of it.  If it is disgusting, I will just start giving it as a gift to friends.  You have been warned!

Speaking of friends...

Mine are disgusting.  And hilarious.  They made me a cake for my shower which was the most horrifying thing I have ever seen in my life.

At least I know they ran the baby head through the dishwasher first.  But nobody ate the cake because the friend who made it declared it inedible due to burnt-ness.

On the funnier side, they also made jello shots with babies in them.

Probably the best thing overheard at the shower was the 8 year old who, shortly after being shooed away from the jello shot table, said to another little girl, "Jello that isn't for kids?  What's the point in that?"  Oh, 8-year-old... you will find out in college.

That Olympia crowd knows how to throw a baby shower.

I learned that one of my Seattle friends who is a nurse spent her first year and a half working in Labor and Delivery before she became an OR nurse.  I asked her for hot tips to increase the smoothitude of labor and she said to walk as much as humanly possible during the first stage of labor.  And that it is better to have a birth idea rather than a birth plan and to stay open minded.  So, basically the same stuff I've heard and read, but reiterated by a professional!  It was nice to hear her tell me about her experience working, especially after having tea with friends who told me their birth story.  It freaked me out.  I've been trying to mentally block it since I heard it.  I've never regretted asking a question before.  But now I have.

The internet says my uterus is under my rib cage.  That's weird.  I'm pretty sure that's not where it goes, but whatever.  I also read that over the course of the next week, the baby will push my heart up and to the left a little more.  Freaky.  Stop playing tetris with my internal organs, baby!  They fit fine before.  Will they go back to where they were before?

According to my new favorite weird week-by-week pregnancy blog thing that I discovered last week, I should, "To feel better about the arrival of baby, ask your partner to kiss your bump and give a rub in the morning. This will make you feel that the baby is already a part of the family. Don’t get out of the bed upright. Roll onto your side first and then push yourself gently up into a sitting position."

First of all, when I get out of bed, I am lucky I don't face plant on the floor.  There is normally at least one dog right next to my side of the bed and it is hard not to step on him.  Or kick him in the head.  Because he likes to lift his head right when I am swinging my legs out.  Also, I get up at 4:45 in the morning.  I think Mr. Adventure would be upset if I shoved my giant belly in his face and demanded he kiss it before I go to work.  I would probably have my own mental health evaluated if I started doing that.

Also, heartburn.  And every time I think about my heartburn, I hear Bette Davis's voice from the film All About Eve saying, "Everybody has a heart... except for some people."

That is all.