Monday, April 20, 2015

Money baby

We had a hot date with Dog Park Baby (DPB) about a week ago. Chumby and DPB enjoy many common interests, such as drinking out of each other's cups, pulling all the dvds off the shelf and taking cans of food out of the pantry in the kitchen and bringing them into the living room to stack and/or line up so unsuspecting adults will trip over them.

It was fun. Then, as I was driving home, I realized that my favorite part of play dates is being a judgy bitch afterwards. DPB drank nothing but juice while we were there (for about two hours) and her parents complained about how gross her diapers were (um... maybe lay off the juice?) and, as we were leaving for lunch and nap time, they opened a can of spaghettios and threw it in the microwave for the kid. I don't even eat spaghettios. Because they are gross.

Then, like, two days later, my dad fed Hamburglar fast food chicken nuggets and fries and (I'm 90% certain) chocolate milk. His diapers were an affront to humanity that night. So, I decided if G-ma and G-pa want to take him again for a couple of hours, Mr. Adventure and I will be packing his lunch. Because one of my dad's favorite snacks is Velveeta with salsa and potato chips.

What else?

I'm 20 weeks pregnant with Sean Connery. We find out what kind of junk this guy is packing on Wednesday. And we also get to make sure that all my years of lab work aren't going to result in a flipper baby. Yay!

Also, I keep coming across all these articles about still births and babies dying after less than a day and, as a result, I worry in bursts. One of the things I read that was nice to read was 23 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Pregnancy After Loss over on the Pregnant Chicken. Number 9 is a big one for me, "Anxiety around doctor’s appointments happens. Going to the doctor can be reassuring but it can also be scary because the doctor is often time the one who delivers bad news. It’s normal to get anxious about appointments, even women who have not experienced a loss, experience anxiety during appointments during pregnancy." The worst were the first two visits when my midwife couldn't find the heartbeat and we had to go to the ultrasound machine. That's how we found out I had miscarried the first time. After hearing the heartbeat at the first visit, there wasn't one at the next. We walked to the ultrasound room and there was nothing. It's totally common for the Doppler to not pick up a heartbeat in early pregnancy, but after that being the way I found out there was a dead baby inside me, well, it's hard.

I also relate to number 2, about being indifferent. I may sound all complainy and "poor me, I don't have morning sickness or any typical pregnancy symptoms," but so far, both of my pregnancies have been super easy. I haven't really had morning sickness or acne (other than an undergrounder here and there), my boobs haven't even really been sore this time around. I was super tired in the first trimester, but that could also be related to hypothyroidism and running after a toddler and getting up at 4:30a every morning for work. You know?

I'll feel a lot better when Sean Connery gets a bit bigger and I can regularly feel his (or her?) movements. I feel movement now, but it's still the gentle butterfly-wing-like tapping. I wish I had written down when I felt Chumby moving regularly. Because I wonder if everything is normal and okay, so I've had to pick up and dust off my old mantra, "There's no reason this won't be a normal, healthy pregnancy."

According to my Ultimate Guide to Faux Infant Cannibalism, this week, Sean Connery is the size of a banana, an artichoke and a Red Bull, which makes me wonder... how much caffeine would a pregnant lady have to consume in order to have a meth baby?

My favorite, though, for twenty weeks, is Pregnant Chicken referring to the baby as "money baby":
The good new is that your baby is weighing in at about ten ounces and measuring six and a half inches which is the length of an American dollar and the weight of 50 quarters...

If you're hungry, You should eat a banana while you steam an artichoke, then eat that, too. And you can totally have a serving of Red Bull. There are 80 mg of caffeine in an 8.4oz can, and the American Pregnancy Association says moderate caffeine consumption (150-300 mg/day) is totally fine. Granted, Red Bull is super gross, so I don't know why you would want to drink it, but if you're following the faux infant cannibalism diet plan, you're going to have to. Sorry. 

Thursday, April 2, 2015

What's in a name?

At 18 weeks pregnant, I'm just waiting. First you wait to find out if the babe has lady parts or boy parts. Then you wait to take your stupid glucose taste. Then you wait for the results. Then you wait to take your strep B whatever test thing. Then you wait for those results. Then you wait for super awesome summer adventures you have planned and you wait for the baby to finish coming and you wait for labor and you wait for delivery and you wait for the baby to start sleeping for more than 3 minutes at a time and you wait for your short term memory to come back... I'm still waiting on that one.

Mr. Adventure and I were talking the other day about how grandparent names are totally in right now. I suggested we could name a little girl after my granny, Margery. He didn't veto it, which is a good sign, but he did say we should probably start talking about names.  I said, "I figured we would wait to see what kind of penis it has.  You know, whether it's an innie or an outie."  Because that's how a lot of our conversations go.

Last night while we were lying in bed, I suggested we could always go for a good unisex name.
"Like Cthulhu."
MA: Cthulhu is a boy's name.
Me: Spencer, Ashley, Madison, Carol, Vivian... those were all boy's name.  We should auction off baby naming rights to make some extra money.
MA: Would we name our baby something like Chalupa Batman?
Me: Obviously.

I'm pretty sure he's not really open to naming our baby Cthulhu.  I mean, this is the same man that vetoed naming Hamburglar Clyde, Rufus and Genghis Khan.

Speaking of Hamburglar, he's been super clingy with an upset stomach for days.  He has hardly eaten since Friday or Saturday, which has to be one of the most frustrating things as a parent. Louie C.K. has a bit on kids not eating.

First he was constipated, then I gave him a fruit and veggie smoothie on Sunday.  Since then, his innards have been all watery and gross.  I had the baby monitor on last night and he woke up around 1:30a.  Mr. Adventure went in to check on and change him, and there was poop.  It leaked out of his diaper and on to his pajamas and bedding a little bit, and I could here the Mister gagging as he was changing Chumbercules.  He's always been sensitive to gross things.  But hopefully he can adapt because we may have another boy, and many boys find amusement in the gross. 

Baby boy is still drinking milk and water and he's not dehydrated.  I'm assuming this is some sort of viral diarrhea and it will pass with time. He doesn't have a fever or anything.

Other than that, he's doing great.  I told him to get his water the other day and he said, "No water."  And all day yesterday he was telling people to "Go away."  Which is something his dad says to him and the dogs.

I don't mind that Chumby needs extra love and cuddles, but it seems like he only really wants to be held when I'm making dinner.  Particularly when I need to take something out of the oven or chop something up.  He's getting good at helping make dinner, though.  He's a champ at tearing lettuce leaves for salads and he makes sure to taste every ingredient before I put it in anything.  Including raw garlic.  He didn't seem to like it, but he went back for more, so who knows?  He also enjoys helping me unload the dishwasher, whether the dishes are clean or dirty.  Mostly he hands the dishes to me, but he's started putting pots and pans away on his own.  I'm totally going to turn him into one of those creepy 6-year-old body builders.  Like the boy version of Toddlers in Tiaras.

And I think that's about it.  Long live Cthulhu!

Oh!  I almost forgot!  This week, Sean Connery is the size of a pickle or a sweet potato.  So, pickle yourself some sweet potatoes!  Maybe they will be good.  Have you ever had a pickled sweet potato?  Me neither.