Monday, August 5, 2013

Fruit, floors and jello shots!

For anyone that was betting against Mr. Adventure finishing the floor while I was out of town... you win.  He didn't like working with the stain or something.  I don't know.  Do we need to stain the floor?  Can we just put a clear coat over it?  At least now I know that when I want the rest of the floors in the house restored, I should just pay someone to do it.  Because then it won't take 3 years or however long it's been.  He didn't even hang the curtains back up.  He ate burgers and played video games all weekend.  I probably would have done the same thing if I were him, but still. 

At 35 weeks pregnant, the baby is either the size of a coconut or a honeydew.  It depends on who you ask.  If you are not pregnant, I recommend dumping some rum in your coconut and drinking it.  It will be delicious.  If you want to go the honeydew route, it's summer.  Cut that shit up and eat it.  You can even make a super awesome fruit salad.  You could make the Ultimate Pregnancy Fruit Salad, which would be a mixture of all the fruits the Internet has compared the size of the baby to throughout pregnancy.  But I don't feel like looking up what that is right now.  I will do it later.  After I take a nap...

Speaking of fruit...
I saw a thing in the HuffPo about durian wine.  As soon as it is available in my 'hood, I am totally buying the shit out of it.  Or at least one bottle of it.  If it is disgusting, I will just start giving it as a gift to friends.  You have been warned!

Speaking of friends...

Mine are disgusting.  And hilarious.  They made me a cake for my shower which was the most horrifying thing I have ever seen in my life.

At least I know they ran the baby head through the dishwasher first.  But nobody ate the cake because the friend who made it declared it inedible due to burnt-ness.

On the funnier side, they also made jello shots with babies in them.

Probably the best thing overheard at the shower was the 8 year old who, shortly after being shooed away from the jello shot table, said to another little girl, "Jello that isn't for kids?  What's the point in that?"  Oh, 8-year-old... you will find out in college.

That Olympia crowd knows how to throw a baby shower.

I learned that one of my Seattle friends who is a nurse spent her first year and a half working in Labor and Delivery before she became an OR nurse.  I asked her for hot tips to increase the smoothitude of labor and she said to walk as much as humanly possible during the first stage of labor.  And that it is better to have a birth idea rather than a birth plan and to stay open minded.  So, basically the same stuff I've heard and read, but reiterated by a professional!  It was nice to hear her tell me about her experience working, especially after having tea with friends who told me their birth story.  It freaked me out.  I've been trying to mentally block it since I heard it.  I've never regretted asking a question before.  But now I have.

The internet says my uterus is under my rib cage.  That's weird.  I'm pretty sure that's not where it goes, but whatever.  I also read that over the course of the next week, the baby will push my heart up and to the left a little more.  Freaky.  Stop playing tetris with my internal organs, baby!  They fit fine before.  Will they go back to where they were before?

According to my new favorite weird week-by-week pregnancy blog thing that I discovered last week, I should, "To feel better about the arrival of baby, ask your partner to kiss your bump and give a rub in the morning. This will make you feel that the baby is already a part of the family. Don’t get out of the bed upright. Roll onto your side first and then push yourself gently up into a sitting position."

First of all, when I get out of bed, I am lucky I don't face plant on the floor.  There is normally at least one dog right next to my side of the bed and it is hard not to step on him.  Or kick him in the head.  Because he likes to lift his head right when I am swinging my legs out.  Also, I get up at 4:45 in the morning.  I think Mr. Adventure would be upset if I shoved my giant belly in his face and demanded he kiss it before I go to work.  I would probably have my own mental health evaluated if I started doing that.

Also, heartburn.  And every time I think about my heartburn, I hear Bette Davis's voice from the film All About Eve saying, "Everybody has a heart... except for some people."

That is all.


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