Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Pineapples, vanity and a sudden need to pee. All the time.

Man, I'm awesome.  (And incredibly humble in my awesomeness).  I have a super sore throat and stayed home sick today.  Science will have to press on without me for a day.  What am I doing with my sick day, you ask?  Well, I am doing some much-needed laundry, taking lots of naps, listening to the Magnetic Fields and doing very important delivery and post-partum research.

I've established that my delivery room is not going to be a party place.  No mirrors, no people, no lights... but that doesn't mean I won't necessarily welcome a post-delivery photo op with young Mister Hamburglar after he is all born.  The question is, which make-up will stay on the best during delivery?  Now, I'm not the first one to ask this question.  After careful research, I found several blogs and articles about how to look your best after 12+ hours of labor.  I'm sure I won't care at the time how I look, but I will care this time next year (or in ten years) when I am finally putting things into the baby book my coworker made for me.  I realized that I already know how to wear make-up that will resist sweat and swimming, so I stopped my research.  I don't wear powder or foundation anyway, so all I really need is some concealer for the dark circles that grow more and more pronounced around my eyes as the weeks press on and some waterproof liquid liner (mine comes from MAC) and mascara... and we're good to go.  I don't need to worry about moisturizer because I will not be in the sun, so I don't have to worry about protecting my face from the sun's rays.

The other bit of research I was doing?  Looking into how soon after delivering I can start exercising.  I know.  I've never really exercised in my life, unless walking regularly and doing yoga when I first started college count.  But I am a horrible person.  I saw a young woman the other day with her partner and their recently born baby.  She was wearing a very tight shirt and I couldn't help but stare at her stomach and ask Mr Adventure, "Is that what my stomach is going to look like after the baby is born?!"  He told me yes.  And I don't want that.  I mean, it's okay for a while, but I don't want to have weird hang-y stomach forever, you know?  And so, a desire to exercise has been born.  And, for those of you who are curious, The internet says six weeks for anything more than walking and stretching.  And it's even longer if you have tearing, an episiotomy or a c-section.

Speaking of medical things, I found a pediatrician I don't hate yesterday.  And his moustache is very impressive.  The only thing I don't like about him is his insistence that the baby stay in the hospital for a full 24 hours after birth, even if he is born a-ok.  I don't like the hospital and would prefer not to deliver there at all, then I wouldn't have to worry about how long I'm going to be stuck there.  But, you know, compromise and communication are the keys to a successful relationship.  Or something.  Maybe I will have better luck with a family doctor?  Two more interviews to go this month and I still have some time to decide.

At 31 weeks pregnant, I have to pee.  All the time.  Since I've had a pretty easy pregnancy so far, it's the little things that irritate me.  Like the fact that I am way more easily irritated than I used to be, the feeling that I have to pee all the time (even when I don't), and the tears.  Over weird things like being out of coffee at work, my advisor for my grad program only ordering dishes with pork and beef for our graduation dinner, Mr. Adventure looking at me weird for not understanding something he said...  I don't like it.  What I do like is pineapple.

This week, McCloud is the size of a pineapple.  I wonder if he has pineapple style hair going on?  Mr. Adventure asked me yesterday if we can not give our son a mohawk.  I responded in the affirmative, proclaiming that child mohawks are too mainstream and we are going to go with a more classic high and tight cut, the Beaver (from Leave it to Beaver) or, the classic, Dennis the Menace look.  Also, we have an acquaintance who has a seven year old, and that kid is a dick.  He also has a mohawk.  So there it is.  Man.  I hope my kid isn't a dick.  And I hope if he is, I am not in denial about it and do something to curb his dickishness before it gets out of hand.  When I used to work in a bar, I worked with a bartender who would tell me stories about his mom and all the wonderful things she would say.  The only line I remember is, "Everybody likes a piece of ass, nobody likes a smart ass."  I hope to one day be able to say those words to my own son.

If you're in a pineapple state of mind, I have two things I like to do with pineapple.  If you're in a dinner kind of mood, I recommend kabobs with chicken, pineapple, onion, red bell pepper and green bell pepper.  Marinate it in lime and cayenne and garlic or chili garlic paste or whatever you like.  Place the chucks of things on skewers and throw that shit on the grill!  If you are in the mood for the easiest dessert in the world (or one of the easiest desserts in the world) go buy a box of angel food cake mix and a 20 oz can of crushed pineapple.  Preheat the oven to 350.  Pour the angel food cake mix in a bowl.  Then empty the entire contents of your crushed pineapple can (juices and all) into the same bowl.  Mix it together until it is all moist and of an even consistency.  Witness the magic of the acid-base chemistry that is occurring in front of you.  Then, spray a 9x13 pan with cooking spray (or not.  It doesn't really matter) and empty the contents of your bowl into the pan.  Put it in the oven on a rack in the middle and bake it for 20-30 minutes.  After it cools, if you want to make it fancier, serve it up with some cool whip and strawberries or just eat it without anything.  It's delicious either way.

I'm hungry now.  But if I stand up, I will only have to pee.  Or feel like I have to.  Waaah.

That is all.

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