Tuesday, July 16, 2013

'90's slang, jicama and the word "Slizzard"

32 weeks pregnant, yo.  And, based upon my use of the word "yo" it appears that 32 weeks is a good time to revert to '90's slang.

Speaking of slang, I was at the gas station by my house the other day and I was chatting with one of the ladies that works there about how one of my coworkers and I teach another coworker a new slang word every week.  (Last week, it was GTFO, less of a word and more of an abbreviation, but still).  Then she told me one of her friends purchased her a hiphoptionary and she was trying to learn a few new words a week.  Like the word slizzard.  According to Ke$ha, slizzard means getting super drunk or something, but in the hiphoptionary it means skeez.  I think I may need to add the hiphoptionary to my baby registry.  And maybe the Jive Bible.  I've wanted to learn jive for a long time, but I'm starting to think the jive bible may be a myth.  Maybe I should just stick with the 90's and find an Ebonics bible instead?

We are no longer taking the 7 week birthing class I signed us up for, and I'm waiting for my refund.  The class, which I thought ran from 6-9p, goes from 7-10p.  I work at 5:30 in the morning, and staying up until ten pm was a feat before I was pregnant, now... not gonna happen.  And that lady sucked.  Hopefully she just sends me back my money and I don't have to argue with her about it.  And now, I need to find a new birthing class.  Or maybe just read a book or something?  I don't know.  But I'm open to suggestions!

This week, depending on which website you look at, Hamburglar McCloud is now the size of a large jicama, or four oranges.  I don't really like jicama.  But, I found a recipe for an orange and jicama salad with avocado... I thought the avocado was a nice throwback to earlier in the pregnancy.  The recipe calls for three oranges and a medium jicama, but I bet you could step that up to four and large if you really want to be true to your 32 week fetus comparison cannibalism meal plan. 

What else?  I started a Twitter account.  I'm really bad at it.  But, if you want to follow me, it's @SnarkyPregnancy.  I think I may be too elderly to understand the nuance of the hashtag, though.  I wonder if I could enlist some of the high school kids in my neighborhood to train me in the art of twitter?

I keep thinking about how there are bones and brains in my belly and it is kind of freaking me out.  I mean, it would make sense if I were a zombie, but I'm not... yet.  Or even a pregnant zombie, like in the cinematic masterpiece, Stripperland.  (If you have not seen this film, I highly recommend it.  But only if you're into camp).

Also, I am turning 1 billion seconds old this October.  It's the end of an era.

And I still haven't heard anything about my glucose screen, but I see the midwife on Wednesday, so maybe she will tell me then?  I kept meaning to call, but I kept forgetting.  Oh, well.  And I still hate pediatricians.  I met one last week whose eyes were very close together.  And he was telling me about all the great practices all over the city that are not the one he works in, so there's that.  And I asked him if he has kids and he said yes, a son.  When I asked him if his son was cute, he said, "People tell me that he is, but I think that's something people just say.  I'm not really in a position to make that kind of judgment."  WTF?  I have determined that the pediatrician for me is going to be the one that laughs at my joke about hepatitis B vaccination of a newborn.

I had my series of hep B vaccine when I was 15.  Then a booster when I was 25.  I still do not have hep B.  In case you were curious.  So, I've been asking pediatricians if they feel the hep B vaccine is necessary for a newborn.  Then I tell them that I don't want to vaccinate el bebe for hep b right away because 1) birth is traumatic enough and 2) he won't be having sex or using IV drugs until he's at least 5.  That's normally the point in the interview that I get A Look.  But c'mon, it's hilarious.  And also, the side effects of the hep b vaccine include fever and loss of appetite.  If the hospital staff is all about getting the baby to latch on and start eating before you get to go home, then why would you want to give a newborn a drug that would make him or her not want to eat?  And possibly develop a fever?  Is it some sort of a racket to get new parents to spend even more money on hospital bills?  Probably.

Also, I'm getting our younger dog neutered next week and I feel really bad about it.  Our older dog is neutered, but now I'm pregnant and we a re not planning to circumcise so it just seems mean to neuter the dog.  But, I grew up watching Bob Barker on the Price is Right, so I am doing what Bob would have me do.  But I still feel guilty.

That is all.

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