Friday, June 28, 2013

No, I do not want to be "friends" with your baby.

Or friends without quotation marks.  I mean, what profoundly fascinating things does your infant have to say to me via social media?
In the past week, I have received three Facebook friend requests from the infants of friends and family.  Now, either these are super genius infants who escaped the womb already possessing a mastery of the English language, an understanding of the internet and social media, and some super sweet typing skills or they have parents that want me to fly, drive or walk to wherever they are located and slap the shit out of them.  (The parents, not the babies).
If you want to post pictures of your baby on your own Facebook page, awesome.  I will “like” the photo of little Ian passed out next to dad; both sprawled in the same position.  And maybe comment on how adorable little Dorothy is sitting in her high chair with her face and chest covered in what looks to be some sort of combination of avocados and… blueberries?  I don’t know.  But it’s adorable and maybe I will make fun of her for eating just like her mom did when we were in high school.  I can even handle people posting their ultrasound pictures on social media, though I will judge you for it, that judgment will be mostly silent.  But don’t make profiles for your fucking baby.  And, if you do, don’t try to make me be friends with them.  I don’t give a shit about your baby.  I mean, I am excited that you have a super awesome child and that he/she is healthy and that you are just so proud and happy and whatever of every thing your baby does, but babies can’t talk.  (Disclaimer: if we are actually good friends, chances are that I do actually give a shit about your baby, but if we are good friends, I'm pretty sure that you would never do this).  And I imagine that if they could, they wouldn’t say anything terribly profound or interesting.  Get your baby a fake I.D. and a fake moustache and maybe I will take your baby out for a beer and we can see if we have anything in common.  Maybe your baby is really good at darts.  If we do, or even if we don’t but they are hilarious to hang out with, then maybe I will be their Facebook friend.   But not until they are old enough to make and monitor their own account.  Are your babies going to start Tweeting soon, too?  Or maybe posting pictures they take of themselves in bathroom mirrors on Instagram?
Maybe I will feel differently once I am on the other side of motherhood.  But here, on the still-childless, 29 weeks pregnant side, I just want to slap you.
That is all. 

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