Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Soccer Balls and Yogurt-covered Mango

Dear Internet,

I have two people I like to update on the type of food the internet compares my unborn child to.  Because sometimes, it is hillarifying.  Like the week the baby (or fetus.  Whatever you want to call it.  I've taken to calling him McCloud, ever since I first read about what the internet referred to as "The Quickening.") started growing lenugo or menudo or whatever it is called.  You know, the weird waxy stuff that coats unborn McClouds all over the world so they look like baby seals or something?  Except the internet was disgusting that week.  It compared McCloud to a yogurt-covered mango. 

That was around 19 weeks.  I don't really remember.  What I DO remember is that I could have made baby salsa for a while there.  The internet was all like, "This week your baby is a tomato!  An onion!  A bell pepper!  A mango!"  Depending on my mood, reading this either made me hungry or curious about the people writing these things.  Are they infant cannibals, ever on the hunt for human veal?  Are they comparing McCloud's size to food in order to plant the idea that it is socially acceptable to eat your young?  If so, why not compare the size to cuts of meat?  Like, "This week your baby is the size of a 6oz boneless, skinless chicken breast."  And they could include a recipe for the food to make it even more fun and entertaining.  Maybe they stick to fruits and vegetables because they are trying to appeal to the vegetarian and vegan market?

You know, I just remembered: there was a week where the internet compared the baby size to a 6 inch turkey sub.  "He or she now weighs about 8½ ounces and measures 6 inches, as long as a turkey sub from Subway on warm, delicious Italian Herbs and Cheese bread (or Honey Oat bread, or Oregano bread or ...)"

Seriously.  That is really what it says.

Now that I am 24 weeks pregnant, the internet tells me that my uterus is the size of a soccer ball and McCloud is allegedly the size of an ear of corn.  But is this ear of corn genetically modified?  Is Monsanto going to take me to court?  Mr. Adventure pointed out this week that the size of the baby doesn't really seem to be changing much.  And I'm inclined to agree with him.  At least, per the internet food comparisons.  Two weeks ago, so at 22 weeks, McCloud was the size of a spaghetti squash.  And I think he was also recently the size of spaghetti, too.

We know that we are having a boy and now all three of you know it, too.  What you don't know is that Mr. Adventure vetoed naming McCloud Genghis Khan.  It still makes me kind of sad.  He likes the name Jonathan.  But, no offense to all you Jonathan's out there, fuck that name.

That is all.

Wait, no it isn't.  If any of you are looking for a good recipe for an ear of corn, I recommend throwing it on the grill.  'Tis the season, after all.

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