Tuesday, September 24, 2013

A Birth Story Part 1: Get this baby out of me!

So, in case you were wondering, Hamburglar McCloud was born last Tuesday afternoon.  I was going to post on Monday, then decided to put it off until Tuesday, but then I was busy being in labor and giving birth, so I decided to post the first part of the story now while dude is sleeping.

My midwife had my official due date as September 10th.  On the 9th, I was at work and I started having contractions.  I hadn't had any Braxton Hicks or anything throughout the pregnancy, so I figured shit was about to get REAL and I should probably make my way home before Mr. Baby was born in the trace metals lab.  (The metals lab is super clean, but still).

On my way home, I stopped and got a pedicure and I called Mr. Adventure to let him know what was going on.  We were both pretty excited.  Then nothing happened.

At all.

For the rest of the week.

I decided to wait until I saw the midwife on Wednesday to go back to work, and my blood pressure was super high, so she did some blood work on me to make sure I didn't have HELPP.  I guess it's like pre-eclampsia's cousin and is super dangerous.  She also checked out my cervix and told me I was 100% effaced, 1cm dilated and thought it would be a good idea to do a membrane sweep since my blood pressure was so high.  She also said I was a 9.5 on some scale that I can't remember the name of.  (I've been assured that my short-term memory will resume around the time my son turns 3).

She said the membrane sweep would encourage my body to go into labor within 48 hours, if my body was ready.

It was not ready.

But I was all anxious about dying because of high blood pressure, so I didn't go back to work.  I took the rest of the week off which, looking back, was probably a terrible idea.  I mean, sure, I got the bathroom painted and got some really good napping in, but I didn't really have anything to do other than wonder when in the hell the baby was going to come.

Sunday, the 8th, we went to a street fair and wandered around.  I had been drinking red raspberry leaf infusion (about a quart a day) for a week straight, walking for 2+ miles a day and spending all my sitting time sitting on my exercise ball and rolling around.  We walked around the street fair until I got a horrible side cramp and concluded I was going to die.

Still nothing.

Monday, I woke up and started doing more research about natural induction methods.  I was a week overdue and ready for Hamburglar to get the hell out of me.  And it's not because I was terribly uncomfortable or having a hard time walking or anything.  I still felt really good.  I was just irritated because everything else in this pregnancy was so smooth... I just figured Dude would be born within a day of his due date, so I was cranky that he wasn't.

I have a friend in Portland who does Acupuncture, and I asked her about induction points.  She told me about the ones above the inner ankles, the webbing between the thumb and forefinger and the shoulders.  My inner ankle ones had been super tender and I kept making Mr. Adventure push on them until he got hand cramps.  Because I'm a jerk.  Then I read something about rubbing cary sage oil on the induction points and that was supposed to help with induction, so we went on an outing to Whole Foods to buy some.  Then I decided we were going to drive on this super bumpy gravel road for an hour to try to get things "bumping."  (Yes.  I just wrote that.  I'm sorry!  Blame it on sleep deprivation or something).

I'm not sure how much cary sage oil I rubbed on my induction points, but I kept doing it all day and I smelled a lot like I did in college... like a filthy hippie.  The lack of desire to shower could have aided in that, too, though.


I also lost my mucus plug over the weekend.  Like, for real.  There was no mistaking it.  And there was no blood.  I never really had a "bloody show," but my mucus plug, for the curious who chose to ignore the above warning, looked like a disgusting, yellow snot slug.  Without the antennae of course.  I was horrified and disgusted by it.  Because, well, natural is not synonymous with beautiful.  Sometimes, nature is nasty.


At 41 weeks, the baby was definitely the size of a baby.  So, here is an Uncyclopedia article on how to cook children.

It looks like Hamburglar is about to wake up, and he has The Hunger, like in that episode of It's Always Sunny when Frank convinces Dee and Charlie that they ate human meat...  If he keeps eating like this, he will be 6 feet tall by his first birthday.

Part 2 to come later this week!

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