A Birth Story Part 1: Get this baby out of me!

So, in case you were wondering, Hamburglar McCloud was born last Tuesday afternoon.  I was going to post on Monday, then decided to put it off until Tuesday, but then I was busy being in labor and giving birth, so I decided to post the first part of the story now while dude is sleeping.

My midwife had my official due date as September 10th.  On the 9th, I was at work and I started having contractions.  I hadn't had any Braxton Hicks or anything throughout the pregnancy, so I figured shit was about to get REAL and I should probably make my way home before Mr. Baby was born in the trace metals lab.  (The metals lab is super clean, but still).

On my way home, I stopped and got a pedicure and I called Mr. Adventure to let him know what was going on.  We were both pretty excited.  Then nothing happened.

At all.

For the rest of the week.

I decided to wait until I saw the midwife on Wednesday to go back to work, and my blood pressure was super high, so she did some blood work on me to make sure I didn't have HELPP.  I guess it's like pre-eclampsia's cousin and is super dangerous.  She also checked out my cervix and told me I was 100% effaced, 1cm dilated and thought it would be a good idea to do a membrane sweep since my blood pressure was so high.  She also said I was a 9.5 on some scale that I can't remember the name of.  (I've been assured that my short-term memory will resume around the time my son turns 3).

She said the membrane sweep would encourage my body to go into labor within 48 hours, if my body was ready.

It was not ready.

But I was all anxious about dying because of high blood pressure, so I didn't go back to work.  I took the rest of the week off which, looking back, was probably a terrible idea.  I mean, sure, I got the bathroom painted and got some really good napping in, but I didn't really have anything to do other than wonder when in the hell the baby was going to come.

Sunday, the 8th, we went to a street fair and wandered around.  I had been drinking red raspberry leaf infusion (about a quart a day) for a week straight, walking for 2+ miles a day and spending all my sitting time sitting on my exercise ball and rolling around.  We walked around the street fair until I got a horrible side cramp and concluded I was going to die.

Still nothing.

Monday, I woke up and started doing more research about natural induction methods.  I was a week overdue and ready for Hamburglar to get the hell out of me.  And it's not because I was terribly uncomfortable or having a hard time walking or anything.  I still felt really good.  I was just irritated because everything else in this pregnancy was so smooth... I just figured Dude would be born within a day of his due date, so I was cranky that he wasn't.

I have a friend in Portland who does Acupuncture, and I asked her about induction points.  She told me about the ones above the inner ankles, the webbing between the thumb and forefinger and the shoulders.  My inner ankle ones had been super tender and I kept making Mr. Adventure push on them until he got hand cramps.  Because I'm a jerk.  Then I read something about rubbing cary sage oil on the induction points and that was supposed to help with induction, so we went on an outing to Whole Foods to buy some.  Then I decided we were going to drive on this super bumpy gravel road for an hour to try to get things "bumping."  (Yes.  I just wrote that.  I'm sorry!  Blame it on sleep deprivation or something).

I'm not sure how much cary sage oil I rubbed on my induction points, but I kept doing it all day and I smelled a lot like I did in college... like a filthy hippie.  The lack of desire to shower could have aided in that, too, though.

WARNING: THIS IS DISGUSTING.  DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU WANT TO READ ABOUT SOMETHING SUPER GROSS THAT CAME OUT OF MY VAGINA.

I also lost my mucus plug over the weekend.  Like, for real.  There was no mistaking it.  And there was no blood.  I never really had a "bloody show," but my mucus plug, for the curious who chose to ignore the above warning, looked like a disgusting, yellow snot slug.  Without the antennae of course.  I was horrified and disgusted by it.  Because, well, natural is not synonymous with beautiful.  Sometimes, nature is nasty.

IT IS NOW SAFE TO RESUME READING.

At 41 weeks, the baby was definitely the size of a baby.  So, here is an Uncyclopedia article on how to cook children.

It looks like Hamburglar is about to wake up, and he has The Hunger, like in that episode of It's Always Sunny when Frank convinces Dee and Charlie that they ate human meat...  If he keeps eating like this, he will be 6 feet tall by his first birthday.

Part 2 to come later this week!

Jackfruit and a turtle on its back

I decided the beached whale idea is played out when it comes to being giant at the end of your pregnancy.  And, as established in an earlier post, I hate cliches.

I am now 40 weeks pregnant!  According to 3-D pregnancy, the baby is the size of a baby!  I'm assuming it's a rather small baby, but who knows?  Other websites say Hamburglar McCloud is now the size of a jackfruit.  Having no idea what a jackfruit is, I decided to look it up, and I came across this website that not only details where jackfruits are, but also how to prepare them from an amateur perspective.  Being an amateur myself, I like that.

I woke up the other morning at 3am with a super sharp pain in my left side that made me kind of want to die.  I'm assuming it was either a contraction or my stigmata was acting up again though, traditionally, my stigmata has been more known to effect my right side.  Or maybe I'm just dying.  As a non-medical professional, that is my best guest.

I am still working and some people are surprised by this.  I'm not uncomfortable and my job isn't physically demanding, though I have become preg-tarded and even clumsier than usual, which could be hazardous (like the other day when I spilled 500mL of concentrated hydrochloric acid all over the counter in the lab... ugh).  I also only work about 8.5 miles from my house, and my house is about 2 miles from the hospital, so it's cool.  Though I do plan to leave a bit early today so I can go get a pedicure.  I think I'm going to go baby blue in honor of my soon-to-be son.

I amused my midwife last week by talking about the paradigm shift I am currently undergoing.  I explained to her that, throughout my twenties, people were interested in my vagina mostly because they wanted to put their penis in it but being pregnant has brought to my attention the insane number of people that are interested in what is going to come out of my vagina.  That's weird to me.  And I am getting asked a lot of really dumb questions.  Like, "Are you still pregnant?"  Um... fuck you.  Are you still an idiot?  Obviously I'm still pregnant, I'm at work, asshole.  If I was having a baby or had just had a baby I would probably be napping.  Or staring at my baby thinking, "Holy shit!  What am I supposed to do with this?  What did I get myself into?"

Friends have told me newborns are easier to take care of, but it is very tiring staring at them and making sure they don't die.  I guess I will find out soon!

My cervix started doing labor-related cervix-y things today, for those of you who are curious, which is another reason to leave work early.  I'm guessing Mr. Baby will come today or tomorrow, but the internet told me I can be in pre-labor for a week or longer before shit gets real.

I have also developed a theory that the closer I get to having the baby, the harder it becomes to get out of bed.  I groan like an old man when I stand up, and it takes me what feels like an eternity to get out of bed the 300 times per night I am getting up to pee.  So that's awesome.  Sometimes, I feel like a turtle on its back and I just lay their and think about flailing my limbs about in the air, but that seems too difficult, so I don't.

Also, heartburn!  I would like it to stop already.

One of my coworkers told me a story about being downtown with his wife shortly after their second child was born and there was this 40+ week pregnant woman doing cartwheels in the park they were sitting in.  Apparently she was trying to kick-start her labor.  Hilarious!  I've never been able to do a cartwheel, so that method won't work for me, but I figure if I go to ten days past due, then I will start standing on my head, underwater, drinking raspberry leaf tea and offering lamb sacrifices to the Greek Goddess of labor and delivery or something.

Also, I found a black widow in the laundry room.  I have since been wearing shoes when doing laundry.

Guess who is finally done staining the floor in the nursery?  That's right!  Mr. Adventure!  Now he just needs to do three coats of the Waterlox polyurethane coating.  It takes 30-90 days for the floor to cure properly after the Waterlox is applied, so I'm putting Hamburglar's dresser in our room and we will move his stuff into his room just before we move him in there.  I love the stain on the floors, but I don't know if I like the way the light sage walls look with the floor now.  It makes them seem yellow.  Maybe if I change the light bulbs?  I know the baby doesn't care, but I do.  Maybe a nice tan or something would be better.  I don't know.

And my favorite pregnancy website has this to say, "Choose new, exciting names and avoid the ones that might upset your child later on."  And my partner is supposed to assure me that everything is wonderful.  All I know for sure is that I am going to be ready for roller coaster season next year and it is going to be awesome.  Dollywood, here I come!

Oh!  I wanted to share this with any of you who are pregnant.  It's this blog called Birthing Without Fear and it is amazing!  I wrote my master's thesis (in education) on education without fear or coercion, and that's what I want my birth experience to be as well, so there you go.

39 weeks!

Well, since I’m late posting this week, it’s 39 weeks and 3 days or something.  But who’s counting?  :D

I had a weird nightmare the other night and, much like I have done the few other times I have had nightmares, I woke up and made a loud yelling sound.  I do this partially to make sure I am awake.  Mr. Adventure was in the front room entertaining guests/nerding out and he heard me and came running.  “Do we need to go to the hospital?!  Is it the baby?!”  It took me a second to respond because I just woke up, and when I told him it was a shadow bear he looked very confused.  I didn’t know how else to describe what I had seen.  Later, his friend Smash told me she had never seen anyone move so quickly.

So, I guess he is ready whenever Hamburglar and I are.  I should probably pack a hospital bag.  But what will I put in it?  I think the only thing I really need is my phone charger, and I don’t want to pack that.  And some snacks.  We also need to install the car seat.  Someone asked me the other day if I am “ready” to have the baby.  I figure I’m as ready as I’m going to be.  I could definitely be more prepared/organized, but I really don’t think the baby gives a shit about organization.  I mean, theoretically, I don’t even need to clean the house because he won’t be able to see very far in front of his face, right?

In other news…

Mr. Adventure has started staining the floor!  It’s halfway done and using the Minwax wood conditioner has made a huge difference.  He was trying to use a gel stain before and these darker spots were appearing and I have been spending more time than I ever thought possible at Woodcraft the last couple of weeks and reading a lot about hardwood floor restoration.  I learned that conditioning the floor first is supposed to even out any spots, and it is working!  We went with Candlelite for the stain color and it looks really nice.  I can’t wait until it’s done!

And one of my coworkers bought me a Boba carrier!  I was going to buy it this week, but he beat me to it!  That was the last thing I really wanted before the baby comes, and now I have it!

At 39 weeks pregnant, Mr. Baby is the size of a watermelon or a rabbit.  Or maybe a rabbit stuffed into a watermelon?  If you are not pregnant, I advise you to make a booze melon to celebrate the end of summer.  To do this, cut a hole in your watermelon, all the way into the flesh, shove a funnel in the hole and pour in the vodka.  It takes a while for the watermelon to soak up the booze… 2 cups takes about 2 days, so you should leave the melon in the fridge.  And I’ve heard it is extra delicious if you use lime vodka, though I have never tried it.  When it’s ready to go, just slice it up and serve.  If you are pregnant, just eat some watermelon.  I’ve never had or made rabbit and I wouldn’t know what to do with one, so no recipe for that.

In other other news, I am still working.  And I am trying to finish this huge project that was dumped on me last week before I have a baby.  It’s going well so far, but I think I will need to come in Saturday.  Luckily, there will be other people in the lab this weekend. 

Also, the baby was head down a week ago, but he still hasn’t dropped and he keeps moving around.  I’m hoping it’s normal.  I just keep assuming that whatever is happening is what is supposed to happen.  I see the midwife tomorrow and I figure she will let me know if anything weird is going on.

Oh!  And I met dog park baby!  She’ super cute.  But dog park girl told me about her 40+ hour labor in which she had her membranes ruptured and then had to have pitocen to induce on top of it and whatnot.  I’m hoping for a labor that lasts far less than 40 hours.

That is all.